Widow Brain

I try to have a positive attitude whenever possible. I have always been that way and I credit a lot of that to my dad plus just reading what scripture says. I have tried to focus on the positive and on blessings throughout the past several months since my husband's death and I have tried to help my children see the many blessings that God has given us even in the midst of this trial. What has been harder to be positive about is what I not-so-lovingly refer to as "widow brain". I am sure others who are grieving call it something different but since I have a habit of "naming" inanimate objects it is only fitting that I name this condition that has come to live with me, I hope only temporarily.

"Widow brain" has taken a fairly intelligent, multitasking mom of five and turned her into...and please forgive me because I am not exaggerating...a blooming idiot sometimes. I hate this feeling. Even now, sitting down to write this post, I know exactly what I want to say but as I type am having to backspace more times than I probably did last year all together; and that is with me being a transcriptionist with really fast typing skills typing in an office. It is crazy how my brain has just shut down. Sometimes I seem like my old self but most of the time I just feel like I am in the middle of a fog, wandering around. That would be amusing except that I still have things and people who I am responsible for. I have jobs that I cannot seem to complete hanging over my head. The part of me that has always been here is determined to finish them; the new me that can't remember how to push what button on the programs I have used every day before just wants me to give up and forget completing anything.

Logically, I know this has to end sometime. I realize it is probably my brain's way of protecting me from overload. This tragedy has been a lot to take in, and when you add in the responsibilities it has thrown squarely on my shoulders it is no wonder all my protective mode has kicked in; but that doesn't make it any easier to accept. I have already lost the love of my life and my best friend; do I have to lose my mind, too? I cannot function without a checklist now; most days the list doesn't matter because I don't get the majority of things completed anyway. Whereas, before I would get everything on my list finished, now there may be nothing checked off at the end of the day. I start the day with good intentions but get to the end of the day and realize I might have made it through one thing only partially. And I am not talking big things; I am talking about finishing a load of laundry or making something for dinner. It is not for lack of trying or because I am just sitting around depressed or anything like that either. It is that I start something and then can't remember what I was doing or while I am doing it everything goes in slow motion. I find myself staring off into space like I have been drugged (I have not taken anything so I know that is not the excuse). I have been told that is just the way grief is...I don't like it. I am trying to be gentle with myself but it is hard not to push. I hate to feel like I have let people down; and I hate to feel like I have let myself down, too. What is so stinkin' silly is that I know I wouldn't have the same expectations for someone else who was going through this but somehow I think other people expect it of me.

If I am feeling this way, I cannot imagine what my college-age son is going through. His professors have no clue what he is dealing with, I am sure. Even his friends who know what has happened cannot really relate because for them life is going on relatively normal. For my son, nothing is normal anymore. This is his busiest semester so far, full of projects that require time and patience, and concentration. I don't know how he is giving any of that. Add in the fact that he is a perfectionist, really hard on himself; it has got to be so tough. I just pray that he will understand that it is the grief causing him to not concentrate, not a lack of effort. I know him well enough to know that he gives 100% effort to all of his work. He is very talented and I am so excited to see what God will do with the talent He has given him. I just wish I could take the pain of grief for him so that he wouldn't have that added burden on top of school. More than that, I wish he would be able to just give it to the Lord and not worry about it. Thankfully, he has a break coming up next week and gets to spend some time with us all. I just want to love on him. I miss him terribly.

I am really looking forward to a whole week with my family and some dear friends as we celebrate Thanksgiving. I am thankful for so many things, even though I am so sad that my husband won't be here physically to share it with us. Thanksgiving meal has traditionally been held in our home each year for many years now; this year we are not hosting at home because I just didn't think I would be able to handle it. We have made other plans and I am excited about those. I just want some relaxing time with those that I love so dearly. I hope it will be that way. I have no illusions that it will not be sad, too. Every day has sad moments and that is just the way it is; what I choose to do with those is what I can control.

For now, I will learn to live with "widow brain" because I don't have a choice. Some day I hope to be able to shout, "I'm back!" and mean it. It still won't be the same me. I know that I will never be the same because a part of me will always be linked to the half of me that is no longer here. What I mean is that maybe, just maybe the Lord will regenerate something in the empty space....anything seems better than the numb, foggy existence I am experiencing now. Thankfully, God is in control and His brain works perfectly.