I Will Praise You In This Storm!

This past Thursday at 9:07 pm, in the midst of a raging storm, I received a phone call from my oldest son, telling me that his car had just hydroplaned off of the interstate and down an embankment. He said that he was okay and that he had not collided with anything. He "somehow" missed the metal railings that were all around AND the trees that were scattered on the way down. Visibility was less than 3/4 of a mile. I remained calm and told him to just sit tight and I would call 911 so that the police would know where to find him. I called and they put me in touch with the state police, who took his phone number and said they would be on the way and would call him to let him know. I then called my oldest daughter, who lives near where he went off the road, and asked her to pray. While I was on the phone with her, at 9:16 pm, my son rang through again. This time, his voice sounded panicked, as he told me that his car was filling with water and he didn't know what to do. I didn't know if he was in rushing water or what? I told him to sit tight and the police should be almost there. He said they had called but reiterated that the car was quickly filling with water! At this point, he sounded so scared and I began to panic, too! All I could picture was him struggling to get the door open if he waited much longer. I told him to get out of the car but to hold on tight and not let go! We hung up and I got back on the line with my daughter. She said they were on their way to him and she would call when they got there. At this point, I not only felt panicked; I fell apart. You see, my mind was taking into account that last year, on April 20th, 2012,  at 9:10 am I received another phone call that lasted only 11 minutes; but that phone call changed my life and the lives of my children, forever. Both times I tried to remain calm on the phone, but the difference is that last time, I was focused on getting emergency help to my husband, not knowing that conversation would be our last. This time I realized that another cherished life might be taken from my family even though I was calling for help for him, and I could feel my whole body begin to shut down. My younger son was physically holding me up as I sank to the floor, crying out to the Lord for mercy to save my other son's life! This is the same son who heard the earlier panicked conversation with his dad, a year ago. Normally, I would have tried to hold my emotions in a little so as not to traumatize him more; at this moment all I could think about was my son who was in danger! I was once again in a helpless state, wondering if I would see a loved one alive again. It just felt like too much to contemplate that I might not again on this earth!
To make a long story shorter, my son did get out of the car and held on for almost ten minutes in the stormy weather until the police arrived. They put him into the dry squad car and filled out all the paperwork. My daughter and son-in-love arrived just after the police did, and called to let me know that they were seeing that he was physically. The car was submerged in water and a tow truck was coming to wench it out. I truthfully could not have cared less about the car; I only cared that my son was alive and okay. My daughter and s-i-l headed back home, thinking that the tow truck would be bringing my son either to my house or their house; but just as they arrived home my son texted to see if they could pick him up, so they headed back out in the awful weather to get him, keeping me updated as they went along. I breathed a sigh of relief once they were all safely back at home, and I know they did as well.
What keeps swirling through my head, now that it is all over, is the running conversation that I was having with the Lord at the time of my panic after hearing that the water was rising on my son in the car. It was a one-sided conversation, but it was audible on my part. I was saying, "Lord, I don't think I can do this again! Lord, I want to trust; I will trust! I know that you know best. I know that you are in control! But Lord, I am having a hard time trusting! The last time I trusted, my husband died! I know you were in control then and that you are in control now. I didn't understand then, and I know I won't understand now if something happens to my son,; but Lord, please help me to trust, even if you choose to take my child! Please, let him be trusting in You! Don't let him be scared! Let him be more calm than I am right now! Lord, please just save my son! You are my Rock and my Salvation, an ever-present Help in times of trouble." Looking back on that conversation, I see how important it is that I continue to tell myself the Truth of God's Word every day. WHEN trials come, especially trials that happen in an instant, it is important to have a solid foundation of Truth to pull from. This has been the case for me in both instances since last year. It is easy to listen to fear and to give into panic, unless you have the calming presence of the Lord to fall into instead. Was I panicked? Yes, but only in the way that any mother would be when her son's life is in danger. Was I calmed? Yes, because I knew that ultimately, God had my son's life in his hand and He would hold him no matter what the outcome.
God has taught me many things since April of 2012, and one of the most important of those is that the "peace that passes all understanding" is real. There is no explanation for the peace that I have in the midst of my husband's death and the grief that I feel daily. There is no explanation for the peace that I had even in the midst of the panic on Thursday. It is not a peace that "I" have ever experienced before those times, and I know that it is only because the Holy Spirit was there as a Helper when I needed Him just to be able to breathe. So, was my faith wavering when I was having to TELL myself to trust on Thursday? NO! My faith is firm, grounded on the Rock, and I will not be moved. Firmness doesn't mean no testing, or no fear; it just means that I won't be consumed by either of those. In my flesh, I was panicking because I am a fixer; this was something I could not fix. I am a mother; I could not get to my son. It was one more evidence of the lesson I have learned, that I am not really in control of anything, whether good or bad. And that is not bad! It is actually a comforting thought! My spirit was comforted though my flesh was panicked. That is the nature of being a Christian on this earth.
I was so glad when I finally got the chance to hold my son Friday morning. I had to restrain myself from hovering...he is 21, after all. But later I took an opportunity to kiss him on the forehead and claimed the right to kiss it as many times as I wanted to; I am just thankful to have the chance to do it again! I pray that this experience will be something my son will never forget, using it as opportunity to be grateful to the Lord for sparing his young life. I know that because of what our family has been through he already realizes how quickly a life can end; but I hope that this will also be a reminder him that his life should be dedicated to pleasing the Lord. Any life that is not lived for the Lord would be a worthless life, and I hope remembering God's mercy will spur him to always choose to trust what the Bible says over any lies that man would tell him, and to ask God to use his spared life to bring others to Himself.
Thank you, God, for sparing my son!

Written in Stone

This week I finally had the time and mental strength to order the grave markers and family bench that will be place at the cemetery, hopefully before the first anniversary of my husband’s death. The marker at the foot of the grave was not hard to decide on, as it is a Veteran’s marker and I just needed to decide what color granite would go underneath. The headstone was another story, and as I was trying to determine what words and emblems we wanted to put on the headstone marker, it became more and more apparent to me that a few words on a marker are not ever enough to describe the person who is memorialized there. That person was the love of my life and so many other phrases could be used to describe what he meant to me; he was the father of my children and they could each think of a hundred things that they would want to say about him. It also hit me that I was choosing what would be engraved on my own side of the stone since we bought a double marker, and that meant I needed to ask my kids what they would put on that side, too. That prompted putting to rest fearful thoughts of losing more than one parent in their lives; it is much easier to believe that death is a reality when you have already lost one parent, even when you remember that God is in control. We reached an agreement about what we would say, and it was precise and to the point. His side reads “Loving husband, father, & Papa G.”; my side reads “Devoted wife, mother, & Gigi”. A scroll emblem tells the date of our marriage; another scroll has praying hands and the last shows a cross on a Bible. The bench has our family name on both sides so that it will be noticeable without searching all the flat markers in this cemetery to find where we are buried. It is ordered and paid for; so now we wait for it to be installed so that we can put pretty flowers there.
Now that it is all said and done, there is a sense of relief that those decisions are made. I cried with relief. One more thing has been checked off the list that has been hanging over my head; a list of things that I am just not physically and emotionally capable of tackling all at once. I have found grief to be somewhat paralyzing sometimes; not in the way that most people would describe it, but in the way that those who are grieving know all too well. It comes sometimes because we are just too overwhelmed with all that is going on around us; at other times it appears when we are just not sure that our decision on something will be the correct one. I think in my case it was a combination of both of those that has had me put off choosing and ordering the markers until just the right time. It is a relief; but it is also one more evidence that this is real and he is gone.
I have been so blessed to have friends and family who allow me to grieve at my own pace and who have been understanding about my putting off some things that didn’t have to be done right away. The first few months after a death are so hard and seem so full of meetings with people about the funeral and cemetery and finances and insurance and other things that have to take place immediately. There is a point where the real grieving just has to take a backseat to those things for that time period; but eventually the grieving has to take place if you want to be able to heal. When that time comes, it is OKAY to put some things on the back burner and take care of yourself and those around you who just need to be held and to talk. It is OKAY, and yes, even BEST, to “Be still, and know…” that God is God. He will honor that and give His blessing for the timing of things that need to get done.
It was time to get this done. It will be nice to go to the cemetery and see something besides just the grass covering the place where my love’s body rests. It will give a place for us to sit and soak in the beauty of the fountain that is in front of us there and to pray to the Lord in the silence that always permeates the grounds there. I am glad God gave me the strength to get this “next thing” accomplished this week. My list is one item smaller, and I can breathe again.