Numbness and Making Sense of Tragedy!

 

Yesterday, 12/14/2012, twenty children and a number of adults in Connecticut lost their lives because a 20 year old killed them in cold blood, just minutes after he killed his own mother; another tragedy to add to 2012! At the end of his rampage, he killed himself. I was away from the house when I heard about it. While my mind was trying to process the information, my body went through a manner of processing on its own. It was a manner that has become all too familiar since April of this year. I believe it must be a protective sort of processing because it is as if my body just begins to shut down. My brain was still actively working to sort through what I was hearing; but my body just said, “Forget it, you are too fragile to deal with this” and it went into shutdown mode. My arms and legs began to feel like they would not move and I really thought I just might fall down in the middle of the store I was in at the time. Each step was painfully slow and deliberate. I made it through the errands I had to run but by the time I got home I knew the rest of the day would have to be spent either sitting down or sprawled out on the bed. I wonder if it is just part of my grieving process? Each time I hear bad news it is like adding fuel to a fire. Not really that I cannot handle it in my mind but that it just makes me feel “tired” in my heart and soul and ultimately my body, and that seems to send my body into zombie mode. My mind was actively repeating what I know to be true. “God is in control and there is nothing that takes Him by surprise. He alone will be the Judge over evil doers and He will see that justice is done. He is the one who will usher the little children into His presence. He is the one who knows the heart and mind of the one who took their lives. He has each of our days numbered. He knows our trials and heartaches and he holds our tears in a bottle. He is our Deliverer. He is our Fortress. He is Faithful. He alone is worthy of our praise.” My body was fatigued like it would be if I had the flu. I, like everyone else has said, just needed to be with my kids and hold them tightly.

Today, I am still fatigued, and I am still repeating those truths to myself once again. Today, my body is still feeling numbness and I accept that protection that it is bringing. My mind has slipped into a more numbing mode as well and I am really trying not to picture what the last moments were like for those babies and the teachers and administrators at that school yesterday. I am purposely not watching the news because all they want to do is rehash and pick apart what they cannot know, just to sensationalize what happened. I don’t need to know details. It is enough to know that it happened.

Today, I am praying for the families of the victims. I am praying for the father and brother of the shooter; they are victims now, too. I am praying for the first responders who had to see the awful scene as they arrived and I am praying for their families as well because those responders are human and have to deal with the stress they face everyday and their families live with that, too. I am praying for the students and faculty who survived and for their families as they try to cope with survivor guilt; it is real. I am praying for the pastors who are there to minister to all the hurting people who are trying to cope at this time. I am praying that our politicians and lobbyists will treat this situation with the dignity it deserves and not begin taking away the rights of the citizens of our country based on their own agenda; it will not solve anything. Murderers will murder; take away one tool and they will use another because the tools are not the problem, sin is. I am praying for the people of our nation to return to the Lord, the ONE TRUE GOD. I am praying for my own children and any future generations of my family that they would be protected from the evil that is in the world and that they would always walk with the Lord.

We should not be surprised by evil; there is nothing new under the sun. We should not fear; the victory has already been won and I know the Victor personally!I am praying that He will be present and active in the lives of all those connected with this tragedy. He is the only real Comforter in the face of trials, and each of them are going to need comforting. Nothing could have prepared them for what they faced yesterday and only Christ’s love will carry them completely through all their tomorrows. I know this from first hand experience. Every day when they wake up they will be faced with the reality of a missing loved one. Every day they will have a hole in their lives that was once filled; they have no control over that hole being there. But every day God’s mercies are new; every day He is faithful to sustain me and He will be faithful to do the same for them if they belong to Him. That is a promise. It is a sweet promise.

At this season when for some it may be one of only a couple of times a year that they give Jesus a passing thought, I pray that they will give Him more than that this year. I pray that the evil in this tragedy will be used for good in at least one person’s life and that the deaths of these people will not be in vain; that what Satan meant for evil, God meant for good. I pray that many people might be drawn to the Lord through this and that through some of them many more people might come to know Jesus as their Lord and Savior so that one day, when this life is over, His face will be the one that we all behold together!

If you are reading this blog post, it is not by accident. I pray for each person reading this that if you do not know Jesus as Lord, you will seek Him! I would be glad to help you find someone local to you to meet with you and share the good news of Jesus! If you do know Him, please share that good news with someone today! None of us are promised tomorrow.

Hello! This is the first official post to the new blog I am creating specifically to journal my thoughts about my family and about life since my husband's death in April of this year. I am sure that some posts may be more positive and some may be negative; I am living in the reality that either one of those is "okay" for me at this time. Most days I choose to be positive. I am a Christian and I believe that God is sovereign and that He is in control of my life. There is nothing that has taken Him by surprise. I believe that he has been preparing me for the road I am on for a long time, I just did not know it. But God knew; He knew before anything happened, He knew as events were taking place, and he knows all about my today and my tomorrows.

As I was deciding to begin this new blog, I came across another blog that I had started back in 2008, more for my own journal experience than anything else. I found one of the posts that I had written then that just confirmed what I just wrote in the paragraph above this one. God has been preparing my heart for what I would endure and how I would respond to my circumstances. I want to share with you what He was showing me in 2008 that I blogged then.

From September, 2008:

Recently, there have been circumstances in the lives of some of my friends that have caused me to reflect on how important it is to determine ahead of time how we should react to trials in our lives. I know that in our own strength, we cannot know how we will react, but I also know that in the strength of the Lord there is nothing that we cannot face.

One friend has lost dear loved ones in recent days, both to cancer and to tragic accident. Another is facing the loss of her father's recognition because of Alzheimer's. I can think of three people who have lost young children in the past four months, and one who knows the chances of her unborn child surviving are 50/50 in the view of the doctors.

In all of these circumstances, God is showing Himself faithful. Faithful to bring healing and comfort to broken hearts. Faithful to provide support from friends and relatives, and in a few of these cases, support from people who have never even met the families involved, because of blogs like this one. The people going through these trials have said that the love and support of the people and the encouraging words letting them know that they are covered in prayer is what is keeping them going when the times are tough. The have a faith that they want to be firm, not shaken. I think that is a kind of faith that needs to be nurtured BEFORE the trial in order to benefit during the trial. Maybe I am wrong, but that is what I conclude.

"Lord, please give me the faith to stand with you no matter what the trial I am facing. Please give me reminders as I go about my daily business, letting me take time to pray for these people who are relying on the prayer and support of others to strengthen them and keep them close to You during their trials. Let the world see that they will praise you and not curse you as they deal with what seems "not fair" and leaves them aching and lonely for their loved ones. Bless them Lord with an intimacy with You that can only come from a desperate need for You."

I was reading a book this week that I thought made such a good point. So many times Christians don't pray because we are not desperate for God. We don't NEED him in our heads, or our hearts. He is just there as a convenience. How sad is that? May we come to see our desperate need for Him everyday!!!

Isn't it amazing how even though I was unaware that God was preparing my heart, He was doing a work in me? That is just one example of how He has shown Himself to be there for me even before my husband's death. I will try to share some of those in future posts. I hope to be of help and encouragement to other widows as well as my friends and family, as I continue to grow along this new path that God is leading me down. The path is not an easy one; it is full of rocks, underground roots, and bushes with thorns. But oddly enough, that is only if I look down as I travel. If I look up instead, I see the blue sky and sometimes a rainbow after the storm. Walk with me and maybe we will all learn something together.


Edit: Somehow this didn't publish when I first thought it did so I am publishing it today. It was really the first post on this blog though.

Widow Brain

I try to have a positive attitude whenever possible. I have always been that way and I credit a lot of that to my dad plus just reading what scripture says. I have tried to focus on the positive and on blessings throughout the past several months since my husband's death and I have tried to help my children see the many blessings that God has given us even in the midst of this trial. What has been harder to be positive about is what I not-so-lovingly refer to as "widow brain". I am sure others who are grieving call it something different but since I have a habit of "naming" inanimate objects it is only fitting that I name this condition that has come to live with me, I hope only temporarily.

"Widow brain" has taken a fairly intelligent, multitasking mom of five and turned her into...and please forgive me because I am not exaggerating...a blooming idiot sometimes. I hate this feeling. Even now, sitting down to write this post, I know exactly what I want to say but as I type am having to backspace more times than I probably did last year all together; and that is with me being a transcriptionist with really fast typing skills typing in an office. It is crazy how my brain has just shut down. Sometimes I seem like my old self but most of the time I just feel like I am in the middle of a fog, wandering around. That would be amusing except that I still have things and people who I am responsible for. I have jobs that I cannot seem to complete hanging over my head. The part of me that has always been here is determined to finish them; the new me that can't remember how to push what button on the programs I have used every day before just wants me to give up and forget completing anything.

Logically, I know this has to end sometime. I realize it is probably my brain's way of protecting me from overload. This tragedy has been a lot to take in, and when you add in the responsibilities it has thrown squarely on my shoulders it is no wonder all my protective mode has kicked in; but that doesn't make it any easier to accept. I have already lost the love of my life and my best friend; do I have to lose my mind, too? I cannot function without a checklist now; most days the list doesn't matter because I don't get the majority of things completed anyway. Whereas, before I would get everything on my list finished, now there may be nothing checked off at the end of the day. I start the day with good intentions but get to the end of the day and realize I might have made it through one thing only partially. And I am not talking big things; I am talking about finishing a load of laundry or making something for dinner. It is not for lack of trying or because I am just sitting around depressed or anything like that either. It is that I start something and then can't remember what I was doing or while I am doing it everything goes in slow motion. I find myself staring off into space like I have been drugged (I have not taken anything so I know that is not the excuse). I have been told that is just the way grief is...I don't like it. I am trying to be gentle with myself but it is hard not to push. I hate to feel like I have let people down; and I hate to feel like I have let myself down, too. What is so stinkin' silly is that I know I wouldn't have the same expectations for someone else who was going through this but somehow I think other people expect it of me.

If I am feeling this way, I cannot imagine what my college-age son is going through. His professors have no clue what he is dealing with, I am sure. Even his friends who know what has happened cannot really relate because for them life is going on relatively normal. For my son, nothing is normal anymore. This is his busiest semester so far, full of projects that require time and patience, and concentration. I don't know how he is giving any of that. Add in the fact that he is a perfectionist, really hard on himself; it has got to be so tough. I just pray that he will understand that it is the grief causing him to not concentrate, not a lack of effort. I know him well enough to know that he gives 100% effort to all of his work. He is very talented and I am so excited to see what God will do with the talent He has given him. I just wish I could take the pain of grief for him so that he wouldn't have that added burden on top of school. More than that, I wish he would be able to just give it to the Lord and not worry about it. Thankfully, he has a break coming up next week and gets to spend some time with us all. I just want to love on him. I miss him terribly.

I am really looking forward to a whole week with my family and some dear friends as we celebrate Thanksgiving. I am thankful for so many things, even though I am so sad that my husband won't be here physically to share it with us. Thanksgiving meal has traditionally been held in our home each year for many years now; this year we are not hosting at home because I just didn't think I would be able to handle it. We have made other plans and I am excited about those. I just want some relaxing time with those that I love so dearly. I hope it will be that way. I have no illusions that it will not be sad, too. Every day has sad moments and that is just the way it is; what I choose to do with those is what I can control.

For now, I will learn to live with "widow brain" because I don't have a choice. Some day I hope to be able to shout, "I'm back!" and mean it. It still won't be the same me. I know that I will never be the same because a part of me will always be linked to the half of me that is no longer here. What I mean is that maybe, just maybe the Lord will regenerate something in the empty space....anything seems better than the numb, foggy existence I am experiencing now. Thankfully, God is in control and His brain works perfectly.

Life Can Change In An Instant

Six months ago tonight I was talking with my husband on the phone, like we did every night when he had to travel. We had our prayer time together and the last thing he prayed was "Lord, shine your light through my family and shine your light through me".

Six months ago tomorrow morning, our lives changed forever with the words of a policeman, "I am sorry. The paramedics did everything they could but they could not save your husband."

For the past six months, God has shined his light through my family and through my husband by showing how mighty He is to take care of us and to carry us through our grieving journey. I cannot help but think of the fact that neither one of us knew that night on the phone that what my husband asked would come to pass as it has; but God did. Nothing that has happened took Him by surprise. That is such a comforting thought to me daily and I pray that it will comfort others who are going through trials, no matter how big or small they might be.

I cannot fully grasp the fact that my beloved has been gone from this earth for six months...in some ways it seems like just yesterday and in others it seems like it has been forever. I miss his smile. I miss being held and squeezed and tickled by him. I miss hearing him laugh. I miss seeing him with our beautiful children. I miss how he knew when to calm me down when I let things get to me. I miss sharing everything with him about our day-to-day lives. I miss dreaming about our future after the kids are grown and gone from home. I just miss him...period. But if I am thinking rightly, I wouldn't ask him to leave where he is to come back here. I just look forward to being there, too. For now though, I have to remain here and do the best I can to be what God would have me to be.

I loved being married and I still consider myself a part of a couple. I don't know that I ever will feel differently really, even though technically "death did us part". My heart hasn't parted yet. It is still yoked to my husband, for every day of our marriage and still for the last six months.